I'm Afraid, Pretty Maid, I'm Afraid (6 Feb 1912) Lyrics

[1st verse:]
Two old sweethearts met the other day
On a crowded car and started talking
"I'm so glad to see you," said the maid
"Let's get off the car and do some walking"
"Pardon me," said the fellow with a sigh
"Things that have happen'd don't allow
Walks we had in the days gone by
Are walks we can't have now"

[chorus:]
I'd like to take you walking
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
What's the good of talking
When I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
I'm married now and my walking days are done
My wife's right hand weighs a half a ton
Gee!  I'd like to have a little bit of fun
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid

[2nd verse:]
"Please don't tempt me," said the married man
"Knowing that my wife is strong and lively
If she ever heard about the plan
She'd decorate my room with poison ivy
You'd enjoy if I took you out to dine
But then it wouldn't be a joke
I would think of that wife of mine
And then I know I'd choke"

[2nd chorus:]
I'd like to take you walking
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
What's the good of talking
When I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
My wife's right hand wears a bunch of pointed rings
Any time she hits, you bet it stings
Gee!  I'd like to do a lot of things
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid

[alternate 2nd verse:]
"I'm so sorry," said the married man
"I'd enjoy a couple of your kisses
But my wife aims like nobody can
Any time she throws she never misses
My wife went to a magic school to learn
She's a magician, never fear!
If she knew, I'm afraid she'd turn
My nose into an ear

[alternate 2nd chorus:]
I'd like to take you walking
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
What's the good of talking
When I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid
My wife believes that a woman shouldn't talk
Only with a poker or a fork
Gee!  I'd like to take you for a walk
But I'm afraid, pretty maid, I'm afraid

[alternate 1st verse (double version):]
"How do, stranger, you're always on the go"
"Well, I must admit that I've been quite a stranger"
"Remember how we flirted years ago?"
"Yes, if we flirted now, we'd only flirt with danger!"
"So let's go where we can have a quiet talk"
"Oh, excuse me, I must be on the run"
"Now for old times sake let us take a walk"
"No, I said it can't be done"
"Why?"